001 First Times: Trying to Fix the Irreparable
by Embracing-Immensity
Summary: They told him that she was broken, they told him to let her grieve, they told him to give her space... He didn't care, he didn't listen; but maybe he should have.


A/N: So after the overwhelming response I got to my first fic, I decided to wait on starting the sequel and do a collection of one-shots. And here it is; the first installment of my First Times series. I decided that if I was really going to do this I was going to do this right. And the first step of that was to tackle the most difficult (for me) of all the pairings: Gale and Katniss. I am so afraid that no one is going to like this one. Gale fans might feel gypped by what happens in this one-shot and my fellow Peeta fans might not even give it a chance the second the see the pairing. But hey, you can't please everybody.

Also: This story is pretty AU and there's a major character death. This is not a happy, fluffy story, not in the least. It deals with some pretty dark themes. So sorry if it's not your cup of tea.

One last thing: I really hope that I didn't butcher Gale's character. My husband insists that I didn't which is good, and I actually thought that I hadn't done too bad a job myself. But then again, I'm not the hugest Gale fan in the world, so...

Anyway, I hope those who give it a chance enjoy the bumpy ride.

* * *

><p>First Times:<br>Trying to Fix the Irreparable  
>(Gale and Katniss)<p>

I am waiting anxiously on the platform for the train to arrive. It had been over four weeks since the last time I had seen my best friend and hunting partner. Well, that wasn't exactly true- Katniss Everdeen had been on television every single day that she'd been gone, but that wasn't the girl that I knew. It was an character that she had been forced to play by the Capitol, and I am convinced that she would be back to my normal Catnip the second she stepped foot off that train.

I look over the large crowd that has gathered to welcome the newest Victor home and I can't help grinning. She is the first person from District 12 to win since the second Quarter Quell, so there was a lot of people here wanting to show their support for her.

There's the Everdeens right there. I meet Prim's eye, giving her a smile and a wave. Prim half-heartedly returns it and I fight the urge to roll my eyes at her dark mood. I have no idea what was going on with that girl. I can't understand why she is not beside herself with glee that her sister had just won the 74th Hunger Games. But looking at the youngest Everdeen standing there, one would have thought that it was Katniss who had died and not-

The sound of the train captures my attention, and suddenly there is a huge commotion. My mom has to physically restrain Posy from just running out to the tracks. When the train finally stops, that insufferable woman, the one with the Capitol accent that Katniss and I love to mock, appears first, followed by a drop-dead drunk Haymitch who is being carried out by two large Peacekeepers. The fact that I can smell the alcohol from where I'm standing makes me wonder how the hell the man is even alive. I have seen Haymitch drunk plenty of times (I live in District 12 after all, and that was a daily occurrence), but this seemed to be a new low for him.

But who gives a shit about Haymitch, because there _she _is, looking as beautiful as ever, stepping off of the train: my Catnip.

But she's not my Catnip; I can tell that immediately. There's a mechanical quality to her movements and not even a hug from Prim and her mother can changed the non-expression on her face. I push through the crowd, stepping in front of Katniss and hoping against hope that the sight of me might break the melancholy spell she's under.

"Catnip!" I exclaim, pulling her into a hug.

"Gale," she says in a monotone voice that sounds so foreign to my ears. She just stands there in my embrace, not even bothering to lift her arms.

"Katniss, go ahead and hug your _cousin_," Mrs. Everdeen says, emphasizing the final word. I have to fight the scowl threatening to appear on my face.

"Cousin?" Katniss echoes hollowly.

Prim pipes up. "Stop joking, Katniss. You know our cousin, Gale."

"Right." The Victor nods at that but doesn't seem to care enough to inquire further.

I wish that I could just shout to everyone here, everyone who should already know better, that Katniss and I are in no way related and that the lie had come about because the Capitol had wanted to play up the star-crossed lovers angle between Katniss and that Mellark boy. It shouldn't even matter any more because the baker's kid was gone, but apparently I was still expected to keep up the stupid charade for at least a little longer.

Katniss pulls away from me suddenly and starts walking to the somber family standing off to the side. The Mellarks are in attendance today, not to celebrate Katniss' homecoming but to collect Peeta's body that had been transported on the same train.

Even I have to admit that's a shitty situation for them.

"Mrs. Mellark, Mr. Mellark," Katniss says softly, the first real emotion bubbling out of her. "I'm so sorry about Peeta."

Mrs. Mellark steps forward and slaps Katniss across the face. I am about to run in and help Catnip when suddenly Mrs. Everdeen grabs my arm and shakes her head at me. What the hell is wrong with the Everdeen women? I turn back to see that Mrs. Mellark is nearly on top of Katniss and is just shrieking at her.

"Don't you dare say his name!" Peeta's mother spits out in fury. "You didn't deserve him for a second, you Seam whore. I'm glad he's dead just so I won't have to see him with you!"

Mr. Mellark takes his wife by the elbow and starts leading her away from the trembling girl. "Come on, honey," he says as his two remaining sons flank their mother and help move her along. Mr. Mellark turns over his shoulder at Katniss and gives her a sad look. "I'm sorry about that."

Katniss shakes her head but no words come out. I can see that the multitude of cameras have not missed a single moment of that scene. Of course, the second that Mrs. Everdeen loosens her grip on my arm, I run to Catnip's side and slide an arm around her shoulders protectively.

But Katniss is having none of it and she shrugs off my arm and steps away from me without a word. I watch her rejoin her mother and sister. I don't even know how to deal with this and I'm so lost in thought that I don't even hear my family come up behind me.

"Gale. Come on," my mother says, putting a hand on my arm. "I think it might be best if we all just went home."

"Momma?" Posy comes running up to us and stops to look up at our mother, with those huge grey eyes of hers. "Why's Katniss so sad?"

"Because her boyfriend just died, dummy," Vick says and I glare at him. Surely he didn't fall for that obvious bullshit, right?

"Vick, don't call your sister a dummy," my mother says automatically. Then she kneels down and lowers her head until she and my younger sister are at eye-level. "Katniss is sad because a very dear friend of hers is no longer with her."

Posy considers this for a minute. "Like Poppa?"

My heart twists for my little sister who never even got to meet our father. I just scoop her up in my arms and nuzzle my face into her neck until she shrieks and starts giggling. Now, I'm thinking that I've done well in giving everyone a chance to let the subject drop, but apparently my mother had a different idea about that.

"Yes, Posy," my mother says. "It's just like your Poppa."

My sister seems satisfied with my mother's response and smiles. She gives me a sloppy kiss on the cheek and then wriggles in my arms until I set her down. I watch her run off ahead of us with Vick and Rory sprinting off after her.

"Why did you lie to her?" I ask my mother.

"When did I do that?"

"When you told her that it's like the situation with Dad," I tell her, annoyed that I have to explain it. "It's not and you know it! She barely even knew Mellark before they were reaped; it's not right for you to compare it to what we went through after the mine collapse. You'll only confuse Posy by saying things that aren't true like that."

My mother gives me a sad smile. "I'm sorry, my boy, but I think the only one who's confused about the situation is you."

I scoff at that. "I'm not confused; I understand the situation perfectly well, ya know? She's just playing up for the cameras. Once they're gone out of District 12, Katniss will go back to the way she was before the Games."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Mom," I say. "That girl is my best friend and I know her better than anyone else. She just needs time… She'll be back to normal in no time."

* * *

><p>I had been wrong about the "no time" part. Weeks pass, and there seems to be no change in her. I mean, I assume there is no change, but I can't be sure since I haven't really seen her since that day at the train station. She never leave that new fancy house of hers and always refuses visits. At least she always refuses <em>my<em> visits... I overheard Prim talking to Rory about how Haymitch would come over to their house in the Victor's Village every so often and how her sister and him would lock themselves away for hours in the dining room.

My family hadn't had fresh bread ever since Mellark died. The bakery reopened three days after Mellark's funeral, but my mother had insisted that I give the baker and his family some time to mourn before I went by there and attempted to trade. I didn't understand what my trading had to do with their ability to mourn but I trusted my mother's instincts and stayed away.

And then one day, about six weeks after Peeta Mellark had been laid to rest, I come home and hear Rory and Vick talking while doing their homework.

"I had forgotten how good bakery bread is," Rory says, rubbing at his stomach. "I hadn't realized how much I missed it."

"Where did you get bakery bread?" I ask, dumping my bag on the table with a heavy whump.

"Gale, that better not have been your bloody game bag on my clean dinner table," my mother calls from the other room. I swear, that woman has ears like a bat.

My brothers both wear smug expression as I pick up the offending sack off the table. "It wasn't, Mom," I say to my mother.

I notice that Rory still hasn't answered me, so I push his head forward as I pass behind him. "Where did you get bakery bread?"

Rory shoots me a look before answering. "Prim gave me some at lunch today. She was full and wasn't going to eat it; it wasn't charity or nothin'"

"How did Prim get bakery bread?" I ask him, and I get all excited when a thought hits me. "Is Katniss trading with the baker again?"

Rory shakes his head, dashing my hopes. "I don't think Katniss has left the house yet. Prim's getting real worried about that."

"She's not the only one," I mutter.

"'Sides, don't she got money now?" Vick asks, scrunching up his face. "She don't need to go hunting no more when she's all rich and stuff."

"Yeah, Prim and her mom use money now when they go shopping," Rory tells me. "Prim's mom goes into the bakery alone, though, 'cause she's scared of the baker's wife. I don't blame her; I hear that ever since her son died, she's an ever bigger bitch now."

"Rory! Language!" My mother pokes her head into the room. "I swear, if I hear one more curse word out of you, I'm gonna wash your mouth out!"

"Sorry, Mom," Rory says meekly, bowing his head and going back to his homework.

I have a grin on my face, and not just because Rory got in trouble: I was pretty sure that if Mrs. Everdeen could get fresh bread at the bakery, then I could, too.

The next morning, a Sunday, I get up early and duck out of the fence into the woods. Before the reaping, I would have spent the entire day with Catnip out here, but it didn't appear like that was going to be happening today.

I'm pretty happy with the pull I got from my snares. Two fat squirrels that should earn me a good loaf of bread to bring home to my family. I can almost taste it on my tongue. That stuff that we make at home just doesn't cut it once you've had real bread. I knock at the back door of the bakery and wait for the baker to appear.

He doesn't.

The middle son, who I guess was now the youngest, comes to the door. He and I hadn't had any problems with each other in school, but we weren't exactly friends.

"What do you want, Hawthorne?" He sounds tired.

"I'm here to trade some squirrels for bread with your dad," I tell him.

Peeta's brother shakes his head at me. "Not interested. Thanks, though."

He tries to close the door but I manage to stick my foot in the way. "Listen, why don't you just ask him to see if he wants to trade?" I had been looking forward to some fresh bread and I wasn't going to give up so easily.

"I told you, we are not interested. So why don't you go back to your _cousin_ and let my family grieve in peace?" With that he shuts the door so hard that I'm lucky I removed my foot in time or he would have broken it.

That damn Mellark; it's all his fucking fault.

* * *

><p>Another two months go by and still things haven't gone back to normal. I still haven't been able to see Katniss and I have yet to resume trade with the baker. But I have a feeling things will change today, because today I turn nineteen. It's a Sunday, so no one has any expectations of me. Tomorrow, I will go down to the mines and get myself a job, but today I'm going to enjoy my one day of freedom.<p>

I get out of bed early, which isn't difficult considering that I share a room with my younger brothers who both tend to snore. Often. Loudly. And at different rhythms. But nothing can bring my mood down right now, as I have a plan to make this a very good day for myself. I'm going to go to Katniss' house and bring her out hunting with me. I know that she won't deny me this, not on my birthday.

I make my way quickly through District 12 until I get to the Victor's Village. The second I'm on her doorstep, I hesitate. What if Catnip doesn't care that it's my birthday?

_No_, I tell myself. _Don't think like that._

I knock on the door before realizing that anyone who would open the door in this house is most probably asleep right now. So, imagine my surprise when the door does open and I find myself standing in front of the girl I so badly wanted to see. Her hair's a mess and her clothes hang on her like they're far too big, and she has large dark circles under her eyes. But I don't care about any of it because it's her and she's perfect no matter what she looks like.

"Catnip!" I pull her into my arms and just hold her tight to my chest. It's been too long since I've seen her, and just having her here so close to me makes everything melt away.

"Gale!" Katniss says in surprise. It's not much, but that's more feeling than I got out of her at the train station. She pulls away and frowns at me. "What are you doing here?"

My face falls; she doesn't remember. "I wanted to see you," I tell her. "It's been a while since you and I have hung out and thought today might be a good day to correct that."

Katniss takes a step away from me, backing up into her house. "No, I'm sorry. I can't."

"But it's Sunday," I say as she continues to shake her head. "And it's my birthday."

She stops and looks at me. At least that gave her pause and she seems to be considering the offer now. Katniss sighs loudly. "I guess we can spend some time together."

I'm invited inside as she goes and gets ready. As I'm sitting in the rather obnoxiously large sitting room, Prim appears. She looks like she just got out of bed and is surprised to see me in her house.

"Oh!" Prim squeaks. "Hello, Gale. Happy birthday!"

"Thank you," I grin at her. "What are you doing up so early?"

"I heard Katniss taking a shower and wanted to know what had brought that on," she says to me, giving me a small smile.

"I'm going to take your sister hunting," I say, barely able to contain my joy. "It's going to be just like old times."

Instead of her smile widening at that, it goes away completely. In it's place, a pitying look appears. "Oh, Gale," she says sadly.

"What?" I ask her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Prim sighs and looks up the stairs as if to make sure no one was coming. Then she turns back to me, her frown deepening. "You mustn't think that things are going to just go back to the way they were before the reaping. It's not fair to her for you to expect that."

"What are you talking about?"

"She's not the same Katniss she was when she left," Prim says simply. "She was changed by the… things that happened to her."

I scowl. "Please tell me you're not talking about that Mellark kid."

"Peeta," she correct me. "But, yes, I am talking about him."

"I don't understand," I say because I really don't. "Why is his death affecting her so much? They barely knew each other."

I see a little blush rise up on her cheeks, and I bet she's thinking about all the kisses the two of them had shared in the arena. "I don't know, Gale. They got awfully close there near the end."

I know Prim's right, but I just can't allow myself to accept it. It would crush me to think that a soft Merchant boy like Peeta could get closer to her than I could in four years. "So, tell me how to help her get over it, please?"

Prim just shakes her head again. "I'm sorry, Gale," she says, lowering her gaze. "But I don't know if she'll ever get over it."

"What are you guys talking about?" Katniss asks, reappearing at the top of the stairs. Her wet hair is pulled back into her trademarked braid and she actually looks just like she should on a Sunday morning she's going to spend hunting with me.

Prim and I share a look. "Um, nothing," the little girl lies.

Katniss raises an eyebrow, not truly trusting what her sister said. "What are you doing out of bed so early, anyway?"

"I heard you in the shower," Prim answers. "But I should probably go back to sleep. It's Sunday, after all, I should take advantage of it."

The two of them pass each other on the stairs. Prim gives her sister a small smile but Katniss barely acknowledges it. That is so out of character for Catnip that I don't even notice that she's begun to talk to me.

"Hello? Gale?" Katniss waves a hand in front of my face.

I snap out of it. "Oh, sorry. What were you saying?"

"I was asking you if you were ready to go," she says.

"Yeah, yeah," I say, perhaps a little too quickly. "Let's go."

* * *

><p>Hours later, we are making our way back to fence. I've got a couple of rabbits, a turkey, and a fat squirrel from my snares. Katniss, on the other hand, is empty-handed.<p>

"It's okay. You're just out of practice, is all," I tell her, even though it's not even remotely true. Katniss didn't have any kills today for the simple reason that she didn't fire a single arrow. She kept getting lost in thought, her eyes looking off into the distance. "You'll be shooting squirrels through the eyes again in no time."

She nods but doesn't say anything. But, then again, she really hadn't said more than half a dozen words since we left her house this morning.

I take her arm and make her face me. "Catnip, what's wrong?" I ask her and she mutely shakes her head. "Don't shut me out like this, please? Talk to me."

"I can't."

"Why not?" I squeeze her arm harder when she tries to pull away from me. We've only got a few feet before we're at the fence and I know if I don't get her to open up to me now, I will never get the chance again.

"I don't want you to get hurt," she says as she puts more effort into trying to free her arm. She huffs when she realizes that she's not going anywhere until she talks to me. "If that's what you want…. FINE! The truth is that the Capitol isn't very happy with me right now."

"Why?" I ask. It doesn't make any sense to me. The Capitol loves its Victors; if not, it wouldn't keep shoving them in front of cameras whenever possible.

"Well, first of all, the stunt with the berries didn't go over so well," she says bitterly. I am surprised when tears start appearing on her cheeks. Before she went to the arena, I had never seen her cry; not even the day of the Medal of Valor ceremony at the Justice Building after the death of our fathers. Seeing her like this unnerves me. "But they killed Peeta over it. Of course, you know the official story is that they couldn't save him. _He had lost too much blood_, they had told Panem."

"Catnip," I say softly. "He did lose a lot of blood. I mean, he wasn't even conscious when the hovercraft came and got you two."

She glares at me. "It's the fucking Capitol," she spits out. "He could have been saved if they had wanted to save him. But they didn't because they wanted ONE Victor. And because they couldn't kill me quite so inconspicuously, Peeta died instead."

"But you deserved to win!" I tell her. "You're the one who was exciting and powerful and victorious. Mellark just laid around for days, waiting to die. He didn't even have a single kill, because I'm sorry… the District 5 girl shouldn't count. He was a burden on you and almost got you killed a number of times. I still don't understand why you didn't let him die there in the river bed."

"Shut up!" Katniss shouts, all her anger directed at me now. "You have no right to talk about him that way! You didn't know him!"

"You're right, I'm sorry," I say, even though I'm not. "But I still don't get why the Capitol would be upset with you. Mell- I mean, you're the sole survivor of the Hunger Games this year. Everything should be fine, then."

She shrugs and I can see that she's still upset with me. I'm afraid that she's not going to answer when she does, "Maybe it would've been if it wasn't for the interview."

I nod my head then as I remember the scene Katniss had made when Caesar had asked her about how she felt when she heard that Mellark had died. She had shrieked and cried and yelled that maybe the Capitol wasn't as powerful as it thought it was if it couldn't save one boy. The interview had cut off suddenly and had not resumed for another ten minutes. When it had come back on, something hadn't seemed right. Katniss had monotonously apologized for her outburst and had said that her grief had made her act out inappropriately. Caesar had asked her a few more stupid question (that had nothing to do with Mellark) and then the interview had concluded. I hadn't paid much attention to it then but now I could see why the Capitol might have a bit of a problem with Katniss.

"But you apologized," I say, and that even sounds ridiculous to my ears. I think the Hunger Games themselves are proof enough of how unforgiving the Capitol can be.

I can see it in her face that she's thinking the same thing. "Haymitch is trying to figure out a way to get me out of trouble during the Victory Tour, but maybe it'd be easier on all of us if I just accepted their punishment."

"No!" I say loudly, pulling her close to me. "You can't do that!"

"Why not? Katniss asks and she sounds tired.

The words don't come to me, but that's okay because I've always been more of man of action. I take her head in my hands and press my lips to her. She doesn't kiss me back but she's not fighting me either. At least not at first. Suddenly, she pushes me off her with all her might and runs away. I watch her scurry under the fence and disappear; leaving me with the feel of her lips on mine as the only reminder that she was ever there.

* * *

><p>Katniss resumed her reclusive life after that. Every attempt I made to see her again was unsuccessful. She didn't even want to see me on her birthday, even though I heard from Rory that she had spent some time with the baker when he brought her over a small cake.<p>

I didn't even get to see her off when she left for the Victory Tour. I started really worrying about her when I overheard Mrs. Everdeen telling my mother that Snow had personally visited Katniss at their house in the Victor's Village. Katniss had later told her mother that the visit had been nothing to worry about as it was customary for the president to visit the Victor before the Victory Tour.

I knew that was a lie immediately. President Snow wasn't the sort of man to drop by for a pleasant visit. If he had been at the Everdeens' house, then it was surely for a reason. My guess was that he lobbed a threat at her to make sure that she would behave while on Tour, and I hoped that she listened to him.

Whenever I wasn't working in the mines or hunting, I was sitting in front of the television, looking for any piece of information about how the Victory Tour was going. Unfortunately for me, any mention of Katniss was preceded by several minutes of scenes of her and Mellark kissing and cuddling in the arena. If I didn't know any better, I would almost think that Snow had engineered this whole thing as way to torture me into submission.

But finally, it's the night before the Harvest Festival and the Mayor is having a large dinner at his house in celebration of Katniss' win. I would've never been invited to the Mayor's house usually, but the Capitol was still playing up the cousin angle, and my presence was required.

I first see Katniss across the room and I'm about to rush over to her side, when my mother stops me and asks me to keep an eye on Posy. The next time I see her, I am held up by Prim and Rory. The third time, it's Mrs. Everdeen who halts my progress. The fourth time I am determined to not let anyone stand in my way when I feel a heavy hand thump against my chest.

I look at the owner of the hand to find a somewhat drunk Haymitch staring at me. "You don't want to do that right now," he tells me.

"Like hell I don't," I say, trying to remove his hand from my chest.

Haymitch rolls his eyes. "Fine, then… Just stay the hell away from her tonight."

"Why should I?"

"Because you don't want to get her into any more trouble than she's already in," he tells me, and I can feel how serious the situation is.

I nod, trying to show him that I understand. "I will. But tell her to meet me in our spot after this is all over, okay? I need to talk to her."

Haymitch cracks up at that. "You poor idiot," he says. "You don't even realize what a damn mess you're trying to get yourself into."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I got some advice for you, even though I know you won't take it," he tells me, seeming like he didn't even hear my question. "Just forget about the girl. She's damaged beyond repair, and you ain't doing her or you any favors by going after her."

"What do you know, ya drunk?" I ask him bitterly.

"I know that she's never gonna give you what you want," the man tells me. "Make it easy on yourself and find a pretty young thing who isn't in love with a dead boy."

"Don't forget to tell her to meet me," I tell Haymitch, ignoring what he just said. And then I storm off, trying to keep his words from ringing in my ears.

I pass by my mother on the way out and let her know that I'm skipping out of the festivities early. She seems worried about me but I assure her that everything is fine. She doesn't believe me, but she lets me go without need for further explanations on my part.

I make a quick stop at my house to change into some hunting clothes. I angrily toss the clothes I had been wearing across the room. It was not lost on me that it had been the same outfit I had worn the day that Katniss had been reaped.

I quickly make my way under the fence and into the woods. I know that it will probably be hours before Katniss will be able to get away. That is, of course, depending on that drunk actually passing along my message to her. And even if she gets the message, I remind myself that there's no guarantee that Katniss will actually come.

I end up falling asleep waiting for her but I awaken when I feel someone's presence beside me. I open my eyes to find Katniss standing over me with a strange expression on her face.

"Haymitch told me that you needed to talk to me," she says and I noticed that her hollow, empty tone is back in full force.

I pat the ground beside me and she sits. "We never talked about the kiss."

"I know," she says, but doesn't make any move to correct it.

"Catnip, I-"

Katniss bursts into tears, effectively cutting me off. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and pull her to me protectively. I let her sob there for a while and wait for her to calm down before I attempt to ask her what that was all about.

"Are you okay?"

She shakes her head and hiccups. "She was right, you know?"

I feel like I've missed a crucial part of the conversation. "Who was?"

"Mrs. Mellark," she tells me. "When she told me that I didn't deserve him."

"Fuck her," I growl, somewhat unreasonably angry at the situation. "Why do you even care what she said?"

"Peeta wrote me a letter," she says, continuing on as if I hadn't said anything. "The night before we went into the arena. He gave it to his stylist so she could give it to me after I won, because he was that sure that I was going to win."

I don't know why I do this to myself, but I know what I'm supposed to say in this situation, so I say it. "What did the letter say?"

"I can't repeat it to you," she tells me. "But I can tell you that it was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and after seeing his words on paper, I knew that the Capitol had made the wrong decision when they chose me over him."

"Catnip-"

"He died because of me, Gale," she says. "Just like Rue did. And just like Prim's going to if I don't find a way to make Snow happy."

"You can't think like that!"

"I don't know what to think!" Katniss shouts at me. "I'm confused and tired and scared… But most of all, I _hurt_. I hurt so bad that I can't even breathe sometimes!"

"What can I do to help you?"

"You can't do anything to make it better for me, Gale. Nobody can and that's the problem," she says and she lifts her eyes to the full moon above us.

"Let me try, at least?" I ask. "I know I can't make everything disappear, but maybe I can help lessen it a bit?"

"How?"

"Start spending Sundays with me again," I suggest and I can see the skeptical look on her face. "Remember how much fun we used to have?"

"It feels like forever ago," she tells me and then she surprises me by nodding her head. "I guess it's worth a shot. It'll give my mom and Prim one less thing to worry about."

"Good," I say, feeling like I won a hard-fought battle. "It'll help, you'll see."

* * *

><p>It doesn't help her, unfortunately. But it doesn't seem to make things worse for her either. She doesn't talk about the things she said that night she agreed to come out hunting with me again, and I don't bring them up. The truth is, we don't talk about much of anything.<p>

I never quite know what I'm going to get with Katniss. Usually, she's quiet and reflective, but then there's days when she's just in a foul mood and everything seems to annoy her. But there are also days where every little sound makes her jump and shriek; and some days, she's gripped by a depression so deep that she's not even able to get out of bed. It's difficult for me dealing with her, but I know that it's a small sacrifice for me to make sure that I spend time with her.

It has been over two months since the end of the Victory Tour, and we had just spent a pretty good day together. We are giving my snares one final check before heading back when I hear Katniss gasp from beside me. I turn to look at her and find her looking up at the sky.

I look up myself and find nothing special about the sunset. "What are you looking at?" I ask her, turning back to the snares.

"The color of sunset," she whispers.

I look at her again, this time searching her face. "What?"

"It was his favorite color," she tells me. "His father told me that. Peeta died without me even knowing what his favorite color was."

I make a face. "So what? I bet you don't know what my favorite color is either."

"Mine's green," she says.

I can't help but feel pleased that she offered this little tidbit freely. "Mine's gray," I tell her, without elaborating that it's the exact shade of her eyes. I grab her hand to lead her away from here. "Come on, let's go."

She pulls her hand away from mine. "I don't think we should do this anymore," she says. "I'm sorry, Gale."

"Catnip, don't do this," I beg. "I know that you're having a hard time, but you can't say that it's not better out here in the woods with me."

"It's not better, though," she says. "Everything out here reminds me of the arena. And I can't do it anymore; I can't."

"Do I remind you of the arena?"

"Gale…"

"Please, just give it some more time," I plead with her. "I know this is selfish of me but I just want to spend some time with you."

"I understand that, I do," she says. "But I don't think I can right now."

"Catnip," I say and she turns to look at me. "I love you."

Her face goes through an entire spectrum of emotions and not one of them stays long enough for me to decipher it. Finally she says, "I wish you didn't."

"I'm sorry, but it's not like I can help it," I tell her as I get close to her. "You said that everything reminds you of the arena, right? So, just close your eyes."

To my utmost surprise, she does it without arguing. I soundlessly close the distance between us and wrap my arms around her. She struggles a bit at first, but then I tighten my embrace and she stops fighting me and relaxes.

"Let me help you forget for a while," I say before I kiss her.

She doesn't push me off her, and for that I'm glad. She still won't kiss me back, but I don't want to focus on that. As I kiss her, I make the decision to push it forward until she tells me to stop. _We both need this; we both need each other_, I tell myself and try to ignore the other voice in my head., the one that is screaming at me to stop because this will not end well for me.

I kiss her as I gently push her down to the ground and I'm glad that spring came early this year. She doesn't protest as I slowly strip her out of her clothes. I try to ignore that she hasn't really made any sound since I had told her to close her eyes.

I remove all my clothes as well and I'm grateful that my mother drilled into me the practice of always bringing protection along. I look over the girl that I love with all my being and I can't believe how perfect she looks. I kiss every inch of her silky-smooth, scar-free body as I ready myself to change our relationship forever.

Right before our bodies join, she whispers just one word and I have to pretend that it was my name that was on her lips, and not _his_.

* * *

><p>I had collapsed beside her when it was all over and I fell asleep whispering to her how much I loved her. Hours later, I awaken to find myself alone in the dark woods. I'm a jumble of emotions as I get dressed as quickly as I can and rush home.<p>

I think better of going to her house and trying to talk to her about what happened between us. I decide to wait until the next day, after work. But when I get to the mines, I hear that there's going to be some mandatory Capitol programming on the television tonight and that we are all expected to go straight home to watch it. I resist the temptation to ignore it because the last thing my family needs is for me to get in trouble for something so stupid as that.

I get to my house that night just as the seal of Panem appears on the screen. Having absolutely no interest in what Snow has to say, I lose myself in my thoughts. I start thinking about how it felt to have Catnip's body lying underneath me and try to make peace with the fact that it didn't go at all how I had imagined that it would. I'm trying to think of what I'm going to say to Katniss the next time that I see her when I hear my mother gasp.

"What?" I ask, wondering what it is that I missed while I wasn't paying attention.

"What did Snow mean, Mom?" Vick asks and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who needs an explanation of what happened.

My mother looks down at my three younger siblings and then at me and I can tell that I'm not going to like the next thing that she says. "It means that Katniss is going back into the arena."

I stare at my mother, convinced that I must have heard her incorrectly. "Wait… what?"

"It was the reading of the card," she tells me, her eyes watering. "For this year's Quarter Quell, the only people eligible to be tributes would be former Victors."

I swallow hard, understanding at once. In District 12, we only had two living Victors. That meant that no matter what, Haymitch and Katniss would be going to be reaped for the 75th Hunger Games. I burst from the house, running as fast as my legs can carry me to her house. I pound on the door for a full minute before it opens.

I find Prim, her eyes red from crying, standing there. She gives me a once-over before she shakes her head. "She's not here," she tells me.

"Where is she?" I ask.

Prim shrugs at me. "I don't know. She took off when she heard the announcement. She didn't exactly tell us where she was going."

"Do you mind if I come in and wait for her inside?" I ask.

Prim is moving aside when Mrs. Everdeen appears behind her. "I'm sorry, Gale, but I don't think that's a very good idea," Katniss' mother says to me. I go to protest when the older woman puts her hand on Prim's shoulder. "Why don't you go upstairs and finish your work for school?"

The littlest Everdeen nods and I watch her scurry out of sight. I turn back to Mrs. Everdeen. "Please… I just want to make sure she's okay!"

"I had a little conversation with Katniss when she came home from hunting with you yesterday," she says, and I hope that I don't look as guilty as I feel. "She was very clear when she told me that she didn't want to see you again."

"But I…"

"I don't know what happened between the two of you last night," she says, but I can't help but get the feeling that she has her suspicions. "But I know that she needs her space right now and that you need to give it to her."

"I love her," I tell her. I don't know if that was supposed to be an excuse or a plea or what. I just felt that Katniss' mom needed to hear that.

Mrs. Everdeen's face softens. "I know you do," she says gently. "But sometimes that isn't enough. I'm sorry, but you should go home, now Goodbye, Gale."

I watch as she closes the door and I stand on her doorstep for a while before I go back home. I decide that Mrs. Everdeen was right; Katniss needs her space and I needs to give it to her. I know that, once Katniss was ready, she will come to me.

But she never came.

* * *

><p>I await the appearance of the train on the platform. It's been almost a year to the day since the last time I was standing here. The crowd is considerably thinner than it had been last year. There's no cameras this time either, because the Capitol doesn't care about the Everdeens anymore. Not since Katniss walked right into a spear just minutes after the Games started.<p>

I had to watch as the love of my life bled to death; the sand all around her turning red. The camera had held fast on her face as she died, managing to capture her last whispered word. And once again I had to pretend that it was my name that she breathed out, and not _his._

Now I know that Haymitch had been right all along: I should've just forgotten all about her and tried to move on with someone else. Because it was too late for her, she was too far gone after losing the man she loved. But I didn't listen, and now I'm waiting for the train to bring her body so we can put it in the ground along with my broken heart.

It was only now that I understood how Katniss felt last year and I know there will be no way of fixing me either.


End file.
